Ugh, conflict. The dreaded, unaddressed tension with a colleague or between team members that is likely impacting the morale of the entire team.
Conflict resolution is the number one leadership skill that many of my clients are most interested in developing.
Conflict is a part of life. We all have different perceptions of the world and when there is a clash of those perceptions married with the lack of perceived skill or motivation by both parties to talk about the clash in a productive way, it creates havoc on our joy and ability to focus on what’s most important.
This clash of perception leads us to jump to conclusions about a situation or another person and, let’s face it, those conclusions are usually not very flattering for anyone involved.
Chris Argyris, organizational psychologist, developed The Ladder of Inference, which describes the thought process that leads to our different perceptions and jumping to conclusions.
In a nutshell, our beliefs have a big effect on how we interpret a situation. Based on our beliefs, we can find ourselves following an emotional path of ignoring facts and the possibility of a different, less hurtful intention by the other person.
If you are tired of the negativity from a clash of perceptions and want a straightforward way to confidently address an elephant in the room, pay attention to the following three simple approaches to conflict.
1. Own Your Role
Whether we like to admit it or not (usually not!), we all play a role and contribute to conflict. That contribution might be in what we say or do, or it might be less obvious, like actually ignoring a situation and not properly addressing tension before it escalates into full-blown conflict.
Take a moment to define how you contributed to the conflict. This simple act of owning our role might be the one thing that can quickly shift a conflict conversation into a connection conversation, forming the basis for a better working relationship.
2. Step Into Their Shoes
We all have our own stories and beliefs that shape our perception of a situation. By stepping back and thinking about the conflict from the other person’s perspective, it helps to garner empathy and compassion for the other person.
I know from experience that empathy and compassion are two elements that can be SO difficult to come by after we feel wronged by someone else. But opening up to the possibility of viewing the other person and situation with empathy and compassion is a game-changer.
We must address conflict from a human level. If we do that, how might we perceive the other person? Could they be going through some stress unrelated to you and your situation? Could they feel overextended contributing to their shortness of response? Could they simply feel unheard and just need some reassurance?
3. Reframe How You Think About Conflict
As with any skill, it’s important to master effective tools that will help you resolve conflict. However, it’s not actually the tools that make the most difference in resolving conflict, it is how we THINK ABOUT a conflict conversation that can turn relationships around.
Conflict is negative. Negativity breeds negative outcomes.
Instead of focusing on the negativity, what if we thought about a much-needed conversation to address conflict as a Learning Conversation instead of a difficult conversation?
A learning conversation is one in which the intention is not to prove you are right and the other person is wrong. After a learning conversation both parties have a greater understanding of each other and are able to move forward in a more connected and productive way.
A simple reframing in our minds converts our negative thoughts to positive ones.
In other words, what if we focused on the possibility instead of the problem?
Ask yourself the following 5 questions:
- Leadership is about service. How might I serve the other person in this conversation?
- How could I use this conversation to grow our relationship?
- What might be possible if we resolve this disagreement?
- What lessons might I take away from this? What could I leave behind? (negative thoughts, assumptions or judgments)?
- What is the mutual win?
There is no perfect script to talk about difficult situations, so next time you have a disagreement, take a few moments to think about your contribution, step into their shoes, and reframe from a conflict conversation to a learning conversation designed to create connection.
Carrie Koh is an Interpersonal Efficiency Leadership coach, consultant, and former healthcare administrator with a passion for enhancing the way we connect to one another in healthcare to ensure efficient and innovative results and greater fulfillment along the way. She would love to connect at www.carriekoh.com
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