Let’s face it, many of us have had those moments when we just want to throw our hands up in frustration at the behavior of a colleague.
In those moments, the solution to a conflict or even a roadblock rendering a team ineffective is so obvious to us. If only that one person would change their behavior, everything would be easier!
The story around this scenario changes based on the organization, medical practice, culture or individuals, but the themes stay the same.
I hear some version of the following statements almost every time I begin a new engagement:
“The last place I want to go to is another meeting with THAT colleague. I walk into the room and instantly I can tell just by looking at him that it is going to be another one of “those” meetings.”
“When I try to make a suggestion, she will interrupt and say: that just won’t work here. The more ideas that are shared; the louder she speaks! There is really no point in trying anymore.”
“I used to lose sleep over this colleague. And now I simply avoid him at all costs. It’s just not worth it, especially when I can figure out ways around him to get the work done.”
I can relate each time a client shares this frustration because I have walked in their shoes. In fact, just recently, I struggled to see eye-to-eye with one particular colleague. We both felt like we were running into a brick wall as we tried to solve a reoccurring perspective difference in a particular problem.
I knew I needed to figure out how to work through this issue of mine so I could better help my clients do the same thing.
My first stop was to call my mentor to complain about how hard this guy was to work with! Complaining sure felt good, and of course, like all good mentors, he didn’t allow me to stay in “victim” mode within my own drama triangle for very long.
He simply asked me one question:
“How are you contributing to the results you are getting?”
That ONE question hit me like a ton of bricks.
I realized my colleague wasn’t all to blame.
I courageously took an honest look at what I was doing to create this tense relationship.
I let my fear and dread of conflict get in the way of a better working relationship. It was time for me to face what I could do to create the required collaboration I knew was necessary to expand the impact I truly wanted to have.
I dove headfirst into months of research on high performing leaders. I talked to experts, attended conferences, read books and every research publication I could get my hands on. And then it was time to face the facts.
My strength has always been in connecting with people and ultimately bridging the gap between opposing perspectives. The unfortunate shadow side of this strength, however, is conflict avoidance. While I was comfortable having difficult conversations, in certain circumstances I missed an opportunity to address the root-cause “elephant in the room” to ensure long-lasting results.
My strength had served me, but it was time to grow in ways that might be uncomfortable.
Hello comfort zone, I’m coming for you!
After trial and error and testing within my business (and personal life!) I have developed a process that has transformed the way individuals and teams connect to positively influence each other.
If you secretly (or not so secretly) want your colleague to change his or her behavior, there are a few key points to keep in mind.
(If you would like to dive deeper into this subject and get the 5-step process I use with my clients to master conflict as a result of difficult behavior, just click here).
Key Point #1: People will do the absolute minimum out of fear or negativity.
According to Tali Sharot, Professor of cognitive neuroscience in the Department of Experimental Psychology at University College London, if we want to motivate a behavior change, we need to rethink how we do it. Fear induces inactivity while the thrill of a gain induces action. Therefore, we need to try positive strategies rather than threats.
When someone confronts us with what we are doing wrong, it creates fear. Fear doesn’t work to motivate positive action because it triggers our innate survival instinct. We might react to fear by either getting defensive (fight response) or denying the claim and blaming the messenger (flight response).
To protect ourselves, we eliminate negative feelings that the fear creates by rationalizing. Think about the smoker who continues to smoke even when logical evidence shows it will shorten his life. He might rationale by thinking: “I’ve got good genes! My grandma lived to 90 and smoked a pack a day.”
People take in information they want to hear more than the information they don’t want to hear. There is a reason that CNN watchers don’t watch Fox News and vice-versa!
In her Ted Talk, Dr. Sharot recommends instead of using fear (“if you don’t change, your career advancement is at risk”) give immediate rewards when positive behavior is observed. Focus and reinforce what you want, not what you don’t want.
Also, make a point to highlight progress in the behavior. Remember, no one is perfect, but acknowledgment of progress is a motivator to change. Lastly, provide a social incentive. If others have noticed a positive change, let the person know! Instead of stating “everyone has noticed your negativity” try “I’ve heard feedback from the team that they have noticed your softer approach.” The science behind why this works is the same reason why toothpaste commercial says “approved by 9 out of 10 dentists.”
Key Point #2: We must know how to influence ourselves before we can influence others.
The only way to influence the behavior of others is to first recognize what we are bringing to the table. In every situation, we bring our judgments and assumptions that are driving our thoughts, words, and actions. These judgments and assumptions are typically tied to a story we tell ourselves about the person and situation.
It’s important to challenge ourselves to understand how much of our story, judgment and assumptions are actually true.
Key Point #3: Define your area of control.
When we find ourselves negatively reacting to a colleague’s behavior, it might be a sign that we have created a sense of powerlessness.
“There is nothing I can do to make him change!”
When that occurs, finding our areas of true control will give back a sense of power. This is important because when we feel empowered, we take empowered action delivered with confidence and kindness.
One way to find our area of control is to think about the choices we make in every situation.
Four choices are always in our control. When in doubt, focus on the following choices to improve the dynamic and positively influence others:
- Choose your thoughts wisely: Am I focusing on the problem or the possibility? Our thoughts create our emotions, which dictate our actions which ultimately dictate the results we get. Therefore, change your thoughts, change your results.
- Own what’s yours: Am I taking ownership of my role in the dynamic? What is mine to own and how might I adjust my approach to get a different outcome?
- Choose Connection: Am I communicating with the intention of connecting or rejecting? When we are triggered by someone or something, it is natural to protect ourselves by rejecting or resisting that situation. How might you acknowledge that resistance, and frame your communication in a way that forms a moment of connection?
- Choose your Identity: Do I feel confident in who I am in this moment? What are the words that describe me in this moment (reactionary, negative, passive, etc.) compared to who I want to be in this moment (calm, thoughtful, bold, intentional, etc.)? Actively choose your own identity words and live by them.
Key Point #4: Take empowered action. To take action is not enough.
We must take the action that allows us to feel empowered and closer to our ultimate goals. For everyone, that action is different. It might be speaking up in a thoughtful and confident manner, it might be using empathy in dialogue, it might be asking for what you need.
No matter the specific action, you can ensure it is empowered action if the purpose and intention behind it is to serve those around you and come to an innovative solution, instead of creating a “right vs. wrong” approach.
If you liked this blog and would like more step-by-step guidance for addressing difficult interpersonal situations, please feel free to download the free Ultimate Guide for Navigating Difficult Conversations.
Carrie Koh is an Interpersonal Efficiency Leadership coach, consultant, and former healthcare administrator with a passion for enhancing the way we connect to one another in healthcare to ensure efficient and innovative results and greater fulfillment along the way. She would love to connect at www.carriekoh.com
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