We are our own worst critic.
I can’t tell you how many times I have said this to myself or others.
When we constantly criticize ourselves, we are essentially telling ourselves that we are not good enough, smart enough, not a good enough doctor, nurse, leader, etc.
This experience of being my own worst critic was especially present after my son died as a result of a rare muscle disease. During this painful time, I wanted, no NEEDED to honor his life.
My husband and I volunteered in the NICU, we donated much-needed supplies to support the nurses, we shared our palliative care journey with providers in the hopes of making improvements for other patients and families, we supported the creation of a palliative care room in the NICU, and we were a resource for families with babies in the NICU.
But it wasn’t enough.
After all, there were so many others who had done so much more. The family who started a foundation to find a cure for my son’s rare disease or the family who organized a community fundraiser to help others in need all seemed to do more than we did after they experienced a similar loss.
We are our own worst critic.
And when we are our own worst critic, we compare ourselves to others and hold a self-imposed standard that is arbitrary and serves no purpose other than to reinforce the unfounded story of not being good enough.
The Misconceptions of Being our Own Worst Critic.
It’s actually quite exhausting to be our own worst critic.
I reflect on the year I launched my business and the startup was slower than I wanted. I focused on what I didn’t have and what I hadn’t figured out yet, instead of the immense amount of courage and grit it took to step out of my comfort zone and present myself to the healthcare community in a whole new way!
Because I was focused on what I WASN’T doing and what I HADN’T achieved, I was working nonstop, proving I could reach some wild goal that someone in a similar business had reached after 5 years, not 5 months!
By comparing myself to others, I was missing out on the enjoyment of the journey and precious moments of appreciation.
When we are our own worst critic, we justify these negative thought patterns by saying things like:
“Being my own worst critic drives me to be better.”
“Being my own worst critic helps me achieve more; it’s a good thing.”
“Being my own worst critic ensures I always take responsibility for my actions.”
We do everything we can to reassure ourselves that the negative voice in our heads is actually doing us good!
But here is the actual truth about being our own worst critic:
- It fills our head with constant negative thoughts that will ALWAYS lead to undesirable results
- It breeds people pleasing. By saying yes to everything, we hope to perhaps gain some external validation that will help us feel good enough
- It breeds perfectionism, an unattainable standard that is a self-fulfilling prophecy for not being good enough
- It impacts our team culture and morale because if we are not good enough, how can they be?
- It delays us from reaching our goals efficiently and effectively
- It takes a physical toll by maintaining a constant level of stress that your body must manage long term.
- It tends to keep us in “victim-mode,” disguised as a high-achiever. We can work harder and harder, which is often praised by those above us, but the result of overwork is a feeling of frustration and ultimately a victim mindset because no matter how hard you work, it will never be enough.
How do we stop being our own worst critic?
There is a simple cure that must be practiced consistently.
The cure is self-compassion.
Try these steps:
- Practice recognizing when you are being your own worst critic. Stop when you hear the negative thought patterns in your head.
- Notice the stress or struggle and NAME it. For example, say to yourself: “This sucks, I just don’t feel like I’m cut out for this” or “ugh, I’m frustrated” or “this is hard.” Find your own words, but naming it ensures the feeling doesn’t stay hidden and when we can shine a light on the negatively, we can transform it into something more positive and productive.
- Remind yourself that this is just part of being human. You are not alone, almost everyone has had this feeling before.
- Imagine what you would say to a friend in this situation, and then say it to yourself:
- “It’s going to be okay. I am strong, I am capable, I’m on a growth journey…”
Find your own words.
And remember, you have the power of choice in every situation. You must name the negativity and choose to reverse it.
By practicing these simple steps, you will soon form a habit of choosing appreciation over expectation.
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